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June 3
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roller coaster

Journal Entry: Tue Jun 3, 2014, 12:34 AM


The year started off very rough and doesn't seem to want to relent. I'm more stable at the moment but the anxiety and depression have never been this serious. Loose ends are like live wires. Sleep is fleeting. And I've been exceedingly creatively stagnant. I'm alive. But that's about it.


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:iconhorsecookies:
HorseCookies Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I completely understand how you're feeling. My last year was like that, and oh boy did apathy and depression sink their claws in deep. Just hang in. You can ride this one out. Just have faith, the sun will shine again when the storm is over. C:
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:iconvickyjane:
vickyjane Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
I'm certainly trying. Thanks for the kind words. :D
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:iconhorsecookies:
HorseCookies Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
You're welcome! :tighthug:
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:iconviking-heart:
Viking-Heart Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I've been there, my friend. It's not pretty. Depression and anxiety are my bane in this life (too overly dramatic? ok), and I'm just now beginning to recover from a long run of them... if I learned something out of that experience, is that the only thing you can do to get back on track is not pushing it; step away from whatever is causing your distress, let it rest for however long you need and (following the line of advice given here before) pursue some other activity... something that involves a whole different environment; something you have no idea how to do, and do it for fun, for discovery's sake. 
I started doing a pretty ambitious cosplay some while ago, even though I'd never even as much as touched a costume before. xD haha Of course I never finished the thing... but it held me through some dark times, you know. It keeps your head busy, and deep inside the juices keep flowing. 

I really have no idea what you're going through, though. And my advice may not even make sense.. u^^ haha But reading the comments of these guys here, it's clear you have touched a lot of people and they care and support you. Me included, of course. I've always admired you and respected you as an artist, and as a person too ...however weird that may sound. lol  And still you don't have to prove anything to anybody. 

Sometimes the best you can do is to stand in front of life and take that "I'm still here, bitch! Is that all you got!?" attitude.  Easier said than done, I know... Just don't despair. It'll turn out fine. 

:ahoy:  Cheers
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:iconvickyjane:
vickyjane Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
I can only say that I can't wait to be able to stand atop the hypothetical mountain and scream "I'm still here, bitch! Is that all you got!?"

I've got a long way to go. I've only just started leaving the house again, if that's any indication.

Thanks again. :love:
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:icon3fangs:
3Fangs Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Jeez, I wish I had some useful advice to offer. =(
I suppose all you can DO is just hang in there and keep truckin'.
"I'm alive. But that's about it" sums things up very nicely--I can relate to that feeling. =_=
Just take it easy, and take care of yourself...eventually it HAS to get better, right? RIGHT??
*laughs hysterically*
*slaps self*
I mean...once you've hit the low, you have to bounce back up--isn't that the way physics and gravity work?
Then again, my brother had a quote... "remember: once you've hit rock-bottom, you can always dig deeper!"
...That's...that's SORTA like a pep talk. Meaning it uh, could be worse? Or maybe it just means you'll never see the damn sunlight again, I forget which.

I hope you can find something that's cathartic--I personally love your drawing abilities to an insane degree (to the point where, if I don't stop haunting your gallery you may have to get a restraining order), but if that's not overly relaxing for you, perhaps you need a new focus for downtime. Like...knitting! *stabs hands with knitting needles by accident*

Or maybe more game time. RPG sessions are always a nice way to be able to forget about the crazy-shit in Life. *rolls critical miss*

*sigh* I really have no helpful words of wisdom...=(

All I know is: I'm all too familiar with feelings of anxiety and depression--if you ever want to rant or talk to a random stranger, I always got an ear open for those in need. :hug:
Actually, ranting or talking to SOMEONE often helps out a little bit, for a little while. You don't have to face your problems alone, and ofttimes sharing the burden lessens it. So if you've got any friends out there willing to listen to you bemoan the trials of this existence, DO SO. Don't keep the frustrations bottled up. Let 'em out. Tell the world.

You're too talented and cool to be having depression and attacks of anxiety. I hope the rest of this year shapes up for you. You deserve a break from such stress and worries. =)
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:iconvickyjane:
vickyjane Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
Thanks for caring. You said a lot of good things and I appreciate you took the time to say anything at all. :heart:
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:icon3fangs:
3Fangs Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014
Aw, you're very welcome. :glomp:
People say "talk is cheap" so why do so few people do enough of it? :aww:
It was my pleasure to take the time out to say I think you're awesome--your work has been a big inspiration to me, and I hope to see you do well; may you find happiness and success.

And while I'm dishing out my two-cents, I'll let you have a little more at the risk of sounding like a creepy stalker fangirl! ^^;
Just wanted to say your profile pic is absolutely adorable--I love your hair. It's made me look up videos on youtube for getting a pixie cut in a similar style and now I'm really tempted to try it out on my sisters. *holds shears in either hand like creepy Edward Scissorhands wannabe*
Also: Do you think you and your group will be recording any more RPG gaming sessions?
I believe you'd said something about maybe getting some art together for another installment? How's that going?
Or is the idea sort of dead in the water until you can get a handle on other things first?

Heh, again, apologies for playing 20 Questions with you and possibly being weird.
Just want you to know--what you do IS appreciated by people out in the wilds of dem internetz land! :wave:
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:iconvoya:
voya Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Professional General Artist
Hang in there Vicky. Keep drawing, even if it's a little doodle every now and then. For me lately, drawing has become very therapeutic. A couple of months ago I was wracked with deadlines and the stress was killing me. Once I got over the hump, I thought I wouldn't want to even look at my drawing table. Then I suddenly just found myself sitting down and drawing without any expectations or concern with what I was putting on paper. A few hours later, I had drawn one of the best pieces I had done in years. I'd forgotten how much fun it was, and more importantly, how good it made me feel.

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you right now. What you're saying sounds so familiar. But let me tell you this, and this is no joke, I have seen such a HUGE leap in your abilities over the years. You're INCREDIBLY talented. Don't forget that. And you're only going to get better. I can't tell you that things will get easier, but keep fighting on and you'll figure it out.

Take care my friend. :)
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:iconvickyjane:
vickyjane Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014  Student General Artist
The worst thing about all of this is drawing is hard. It is so hard. I have perpetual artists' block and I can barely even crap out a sketch. I have no original ideas, anymore. My Tumblr followers are always quick to give me new ideas but they rarely catch my fancy. I'm too picky for my own good but the real problem is my lack of work-ethic even when drawing something that was supposed to be just a fun doodle. Every negative feeling I have about myself has increased since the start of the year. I look at other artists and think, how the hell can they draw more than one finished piece in a day? Let alone a week.

Getting into the right mood is a chore. I find myself trying all sorts of things to satiate my muse but I'm rarely comfortable anymore. I'm really afraid that an art career is impossible.

...

Thank you for always popping in to check up on me and lend advice. I always take it to heart. We'll see what the future brings. :meow:
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